Solutions to Your Top Two
Communication Problems
By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
Without effective communication, no relationship stands a chance. We talk (and listen) all day long, but only a small part of our communication takes place in words. Most of the time we believe the other is listening to and understanding what we saying, but by and large, this is not the case. Most of the time the other person is planning what he or she will say back, or tuning out, or building up some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with what is going on at that moment. When we are fighting, we want more than ever to be understood and words go flying back and forth like arrows. At this point, resolution to the problem can be far away.
So what are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want and give each other what we need? Let's look at the top two communication problems and see how they can be solved. Once this is done, you'll be off to a wonderful start in building the kind of relationship you have always wanted.
Problem One: Wanting to Be Right and Prove the Other Wrong
Before you are able to communicate effectively, you must look carefully at your intention. Are you communicating in order to be understood, to get what you want, or do you have another intention behind the words you are saying? Many couples end up just wanting to prove that they are in the right and their partner is wrong (and always has been). This is communication as war. These words are filled with anger and blame. They cause the other person to feel small, bad or inadequate. The words in these communications are never listened to. However what is read loud and clear is the anger and righteousness behind what is being said. To remedy this, decide that you will stop blaming each other, and give each other a chance to truly be heard. Decide you do not have to prove a case, but find a way to establish a bridge of mutual understanding. These intentions are tremendously helpful in allowing a relationship to succeed.
Problem Two: Not Being Able to Hear the Other Person
Remember, communication consists not only of talking, but also listening and hearing what is being said. We can do a whole workshop on the art of listening, but to start, it is crucial to realize that each person can only truly "hear" what is being said if they are willing to put aside their own point of view and really be available to know the heart and mind of the other. This is not as simple as it sounds. Many of us immediately interpret what we are hearing, and put it into a ready-made slot. Others distort what is being said. Others pretend to listen, but are occupied with their own thoughts. A solution to this is to repeat to the other what you think they have said. Let them know how their communication is filtering through to you. Let them make adjustments to your version of their message. And finally, be willing to really hear what they mean.
Best Ever BBQs... Ten Tips
- Compliments of MSN.com -
Be organized...
Get all your food, including what you aren't tossing on the grill, ready to go before you fire up.
Keep it clean...
Burnt bits of food stuck to the grate aren't very appetizing, and make food stick. Grills work best when they are clean. For easy maintenance after you’re done cooking, put the lid back on the grill, wait about 20 minutes, and then scrub the crud off with a brush. Or, scrub the grate quickly before you put your food on it, recommends Chris Schlesinger, author of The Thrill of the Grill. A grill brush with no-rust bristles and a scraper are best bets for this task.
Gauge the fuel...
Whether you're using charcoal or a gas grill, make sure you have plenty of fuel. Nothing's worse than getting that steak cooked halfway and then running out of juice.
Have the right tools...
Turning out great food from the grill means being well equipped. For grilling, it's a good idea to have tongs, a spatula, and a fork, recommends Betty Hughes at Weber Grills. Have long-handled barbecue tools to keep you away from the flames and heat. A barbecue mitt that covers your wrist is another way to protect yourself from burns.
Oil the grates or food...
If you oil the grate before you cook, it will prevent foods from sticking. Just brush on some cooking oil, such as safflower oil, before putting food on top — do this away from the heat, of course. Or lightly brush the food with oil before grilling.
Preheat the grill...
Your grill has to be really hot, about 500 degrees Fahrenheit, to best cook your food. For gas, it takes a good 10-15 minutes to heat up. For charcoal, you'll have to wait a little longer, about 30 minutes. You'll know the grill is fired up enough when the coals are covered with a coat of gray ash. A good test is called the "hand test." If your grill has reached a high heat, you'll be able to hold your hand over it only for 1-2 seconds. Medium heat, 4-5 seconds.
Don't stab...
Flip your meat with a spatula or tongs, and never stab it with a fork — you'll lose all the juices and flavor.
Keep the lid on...
There's a debate about whether you should grill with the lid open or closed. Schlesinger says grill with the lid open or you'll trap all the smoke and grease inside, changing the flavor of the meat. He recommends cooking with a lid only when you're grilling a large cut of meat. But cooking with a lid does shorten cooking time and reduces chances of flare-ups.
Let it rest...
If you allow your meat to rest 2-3 minutes before eating, it will become even juicier.
Never leave your post...
Don't leave your food unattended or you risk burning or overcooking it.
|